I am tempted to skip a lot from my journal for today . But if you are to share the inner journey with me then you must know about the turmoil that goes with it. Further to that I keep delaying finishing this entry. Put it off for 2 days know
Calzadilla de la Cuezs 7am.
Off to the pub for breakfast shortly. I managed to post 2 days of the blog last night. I may start another over breakfast as long as I am on the road by 8am all will be fine.
Dinner last night was very pleasant. Ate with 5 others I hadn't previously had a chance to talk to. The lemon mousse for desert was divine. Cloudy again today and it rained overnight.
Ledigos 10am
Breakfast today was expensive but good. Instead of the usual 3euro it was 7.50 but worth it. Bacon and eggs and cereal rather than bread and jam.
I just spent the last hour walking rather slowly with H from USA. We shared a lot of our lives with each other. It was really nice but I felt I needed to walk quicker. I carried H's pack for the last kilometer before we parted. When I took her pack off I gave her a hug. Looking in her eyes I felt a strong urge to kiss her. It would not have been s chased kiss and if it had been Hollywood she would have fallen deeply in love with me and we would have lived happily ever after. I didn't kiss her. Was I scared or was I being sensible in thinking a woman 40 years younger than me who I had known for an hour didn't want that kind of kiss?
A little further along there were two options and we had discussed them and I knew I was going left into the fields while H continued ahead into the town. Once clear of the division of the tracks and where I could see the fields around me I sat down for a think about what had happened and what it meant.
I was in real emotional turmoil. Part of me wanted to chase H through town and give her that kiss.
I carried on walking with no clear answers.
The autopista runs parallel to N120 here. It is not the busy road it was a few days ago but a quiet country road. I have passed the halfway point of the Camino.
San Nicholas del Real Camino 12:30
I have had time to think over the events of this morning.
Firstly I need to be a lot more humble and stop trying to control things and let the Camino control me.
Second is the difficult point. 22 years ago I rolled up the shutters and kept the world out. Six times in my life I have fallen in love and 6 times I have been hurt. Since then I have chosen to be celebate rather than risking the hurt that comes with intimacy. Earlier I thought God might be calling me to join a religious order. That seemed quite comfortable. Now I see that the call is not out of the world but into it. I need to do the hardest thing for me. I need to go back home and start looking for love and intimacy. God wants me to become fully committed to love with all the risks that means. Quite frankly I am very afraid. I cannot imagine a harder task I could have been given. I am crying as I think what this means.
Based on past experience I am hopeless in picking people to love. If anyone wants to arrange a marriage for me go right ahead.
Sahagun 9pm
I don't like this albergue. Usually the religious ones are well run but this one is crap. It is cold, the food was poor and there are no communal areas so everyone is in there bedrooms which hold up to 4 people. The plus side is each room has its own bathroom.
There are 2 sets of storks on the roof and the chattering of their bills id noisy. I'm feeling a little better that this afternoon but I'm also feeling a little sorry for myself realizing I have shut off part of me for ovrr 20 years. Also I wonder what H felt when I looked in her eyes. Would she's have accepted my kiss or been revolted by it. I don't think I will ever meet her again and even if I do I won't ask the question.
Phiip who wadd at Villamentero is sharing the room with me and a Finnish man. He is on his way to the albergue I am going to tomorrow to be the volunteer. He plans to stop a few few kilometers away so he can arrive early on Saturday to take over.
Calzadilla de la Cuezs 7am.
Off to the pub for breakfast shortly. I managed to post 2 days of the blog last night. I may start another over breakfast as long as I am on the road by 8am all will be fine.
Dinner last night was very pleasant. Ate with 5 others I hadn't previously had a chance to talk to. The lemon mousse for desert was divine. Cloudy again today and it rained overnight.
Ledigos 10am
Breakfast today was expensive but good. Instead of the usual 3euro it was 7.50 but worth it. Bacon and eggs and cereal rather than bread and jam.
I just spent the last hour walking rather slowly with H from USA. We shared a lot of our lives with each other. It was really nice but I felt I needed to walk quicker. I carried H's pack for the last kilometer before we parted. When I took her pack off I gave her a hug. Looking in her eyes I felt a strong urge to kiss her. It would not have been s chased kiss and if it had been Hollywood she would have fallen deeply in love with me and we would have lived happily ever after. I didn't kiss her. Was I scared or was I being sensible in thinking a woman 40 years younger than me who I had known for an hour didn't want that kind of kiss?
A little further along there were two options and we had discussed them and I knew I was going left into the fields while H continued ahead into the town. Once clear of the division of the tracks and where I could see the fields around me I sat down for a think about what had happened and what it meant.
I was in real emotional turmoil. Part of me wanted to chase H through town and give her that kiss.
I carried on walking with no clear answers.
The autopista runs parallel to N120 here. It is not the busy road it was a few days ago but a quiet country road. I have passed the halfway point of the Camino.
San Nicholas del Real Camino 12:30
I have had time to think over the events of this morning.
Firstly I need to be a lot more humble and stop trying to control things and let the Camino control me.
Second is the difficult point. 22 years ago I rolled up the shutters and kept the world out. Six times in my life I have fallen in love and 6 times I have been hurt. Since then I have chosen to be celebate rather than risking the hurt that comes with intimacy. Earlier I thought God might be calling me to join a religious order. That seemed quite comfortable. Now I see that the call is not out of the world but into it. I need to do the hardest thing for me. I need to go back home and start looking for love and intimacy. God wants me to become fully committed to love with all the risks that means. Quite frankly I am very afraid. I cannot imagine a harder task I could have been given. I am crying as I think what this means.
Based on past experience I am hopeless in picking people to love. If anyone wants to arrange a marriage for me go right ahead.
Sahagun 9pm
I don't like this albergue. Usually the religious ones are well run but this one is crap. It is cold, the food was poor and there are no communal areas so everyone is in there bedrooms which hold up to 4 people. The plus side is each room has its own bathroom.
There are 2 sets of storks on the roof and the chattering of their bills id noisy. I'm feeling a little better that this afternoon but I'm also feeling a little sorry for myself realizing I have shut off part of me for ovrr 20 years. Also I wonder what H felt when I looked in her eyes. Would she's have accepted my kiss or been revolted by it. I don't think I will ever meet her again and even if I do I won't ask the question.
Phiip who wadd at Villamentero is sharing the room with me and a Finnish man. He is on his way to the albergue I am going to tomorrow to be the volunteer. He plans to stop a few few kilometers away so he can arrive early on Saturday to take over.
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